


A blurry path

by Flyhigher



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:46:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28071171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flyhigher/pseuds/Flyhigher
Relationships: Cha Junho/Kim Yohan
Kudos: 5





	A blurry path

There was no destination in the path I used to walk on.   
I once thought there was, but it got blurry and shady, and since then, I couldn’t redefine it.   
Not that I didn’t try, I did try. It’s just that I kept loosing track and myself with it. 

Sigh.

The door bells of the café rang and, as expected, someone made his way in.   
What was less expected were the loud chitchat talks changing into some windy whispers.  
Inaudible, but surely related to the new comer, so I looked up.  
It was when the new comer stopped near my table, that the windy whispers became noisier.   
After few seconds that I thought were hours, he also sighed and let himself slump onto the chair in front of me. 

_ So ? What did you want to confess ?   
_ Confess ?  
_ You looks guilty, I thought it was hiding something. Am I wrong ?  
_ Hm. You are not. 

While glancing at my friend, I took a sip of my bitter drink and let my head rest into the palm of my hand.  
He was ethereal.  
His beautiful features were getting him so much attention from the people around us, and it was understandable.  
His hair were darker that the ink and if his skin-tone was paller, he could have been the nowaday snow-white.   
His nose bridge was high and straight. His lips were exquisite. His jaw was sharp, suggesting a manly face, but, his cheeks were round enough to testify of his young age.  
He had double eyelids but puppy like eyes. Eyes that were disappearing into crescent moon sharp when the corner of his lips were high.  
Lips that were actually moving but which no sound came out. Or maybe there was ?  
I blinked once I realized that the sound around me seemed muffed. 

Sigh. 

I got lost once again. 

_ Yohan ?  
_ Hm.  
_ « Hm» I was talking to you for like five minutes and all you has to say is « Hm » ? What were you thinking about ? You are getting me worried.  
_ I was thinking about the fact that, day by day, you are getting more and more handsome.  
_ Is it a love confession ?  
_ That ain’t new, that I love you.

He chuckled and called a waiter to make his order.

He took it as a joke.   
The fact is that I wasn’t joking, but since he took it as a joke the first time and I had the wrong idea to not correct it, he ended up always taking it as a joke.  
My mistake.  
However, I couldn’t help but be disappointed. 

The glint in my eyes went off, and since he could read in it, I lowered my head and looked down to play with the stick in my drink.  
I sighed again.  
How many time since the beginning of the day ?  
I couldn’t remember as I lost the track.  
Again.

_ Seriously, what’s wrong ? 

I raised my head and paid attention to his worried look. He wasn’t joking anymore. Maybe it was there the chance to tell him that I was serious too, however the words got stuck in my throat : I couldn’t gather the courage to do so.

_ I’m quitting.   
_ What are you quitting ? Drinking ? 

He joked, but his eyes weren’t forming that crescent moon sharp, proof that he was truly enjoying the moment. It was bland, a failed attempt to lift up the mood.   
He knew that it wasn’t about my drinking habits. Talking about these, they weren’t that bad, but since he wasn’t drinking, he used to tease me about this.   
My weak point he thought, if only he knew that my weak point was him…

Anyway, I should have laughed, I just couldn’t.   
It weren’t only the words that were stuck in my throat, the sparkles that was holding me to burst in tears too.  
How pathetic. 

_ Sorry. 

He mumbled and I felt awful.   
I used to be the excited one, but today, I was just a mood killer.   
I took a deep breath and smiled soulessly. 

_ No silly. I’m quitting taekwondo. I gave my resignation letter to the coach. 

His eyes got bigger. He is shocked.   
Even if he knew it wasn’t about my drinking habits, it shown that he wasn’t thinking about this either.   
It was too big to be real, even for him. 

_ It ain’t funny.  
_ It wasn’t mean to be.   
_ It’s your lifetime project ! Even your scholarship is based on it. How are you going to pay the college back ? What happended ? I mean, you even won a medal last month ! 

He was upset.   
Why was he upset ?   
It was my life, my past, my present and my future, so why was he so upset ? Why was he more upset that me when I realised that I wasted my life ?   
I felt tiny. 

_ Hey Junho, you aren’t the one giving up. You are making me feel like I’m taking the life on the easy way.   
_ I just don’t understand. You was so fierce on the tatami. You was holding so much power just by standing in front of your opponent. It was like you were above everyone, and no one could have touch you. And-…  
_ I was stressed. More than anything else, I was stressed. 

Each of his words were like a stab, so I cut him off.   
It what exactly what I was afraid of. People were thinking too highly of me, and more highly they were thinking of me, more pressure were put on me.  
I ended up waking up in the morning and thinking about one thing « will I disappoint them today », and soon it turned out to be « When will I disappoint them ? ».  
Finally, one day I realised that them, was more a him.   
Yes, the fact that I was Junho’s role model was the most stressful thing.   
How disappointed he would be if I got a lower rank, if I lost a match, if I show weakness ?   
The thought was sickening so I stopped enjoying it.   
It was only a stress that kept growing and growing over a path that I didn’t even choose and…

_ Are you… Disappointed ? 

And it was more pitiful that I cared about someone else opinion while literally screwing up my life.   
My heartbeat was beating so fast that somehow I felt ashamed that it never does during a match.

_ Was it making you sick ? If so, I’m glad that you quit. I’m sorry I got worked up over your decision. I thought it was a choice that you made recklessly and I was afraid that you will regret it later but even so… It was none of my right to got upset.  
Maybe I secretly wanted to be your guardian angel to change a little, be in your shoes and have some seniority.   
Anyway, if it a decisif choice, that’s mean we have more time for each other.   
I mean, waiting for your matches to end up while warming the bench wasn’t really was I was thinking of our outing and-…  
_ I love you.

I blurted it out without meaning to do but I didn’t feel nervous, my heartbeat pace lowered and I even felt lighter.  
This time too, it wasn’t courage. It was only a slip of tongue, an uncontrolled will, and a umpteenth confession that I knew he will just take as a joke. 

I smiled.

It was baffling that after being so stressed over it, I just ended up smiling like if all my upcoming hardships in life were resolved. 

My path was still unclear, and I still haven’t any goal, but, out of all the people I was afraid to disappointed by my selfishness, one of the most important was cheering for me. 

I smiled a little more when he puffed his cheeks, mumbling how cheesy it was and that even if he didn’t say anything the first time I cut him off, I couldn’t keep this bad habit of mine. 

_ So, to pay back my schoolarship, I thought of a part time job that we could do together. Han-…  
_ We ? I don’t want to work to pay your debts.   
_ Please ! My taekwondo’s buddies said they will raised funds to help me why won’t you ? Take it as a chance to get more time together !  
_ I can’t believe that our outgoing passed by me sitting on a bench doing nothing to me having to work my ass !  
_ You loves me.  
_ I do not !

I was 21 and even if I gave up on something I worked hard for, the satisfaction to know that I could choose a new path with people cheering for me was better.


End file.
